Buy one, get one…on a whole new level!

Posted on by hansjschmitz

Hans: Well, that just happened.

Missy: Wait….what?…Is this real?
Hans: I don’t know, it’s always negative, could this be it? Should we get a home test?
Missy: I don’t know…we probably should?
Hans: Yeah, let’s go Target.

So when you get shocking news, you do stupid stuff, right? Because a stick that you pee on is WAY more accurate than a blood test…We were unfortunate victims of this completely backward logic. We started to race to Target on Coleman.

Hans: Yo, Panda Express is there in Coleman Center too, isn’t it?
Missy: Yeah
Hans: The pee stick can wait, we need some Orange Chicken and Chow Mein STAT.
Missy: Sounds good.

This is why we work. I typically have some whimsical, crazy or downright stupid idea and Missy entertains me and lets it play out. In this case, on a scale of whimsical to crazy, Orange Chicken and Chow Mein is a relatively low risk decision and the best one we could make, it was about 6:30p after all.

We ate. It was delicious. At the end, break open the fortune cookies

“Don’t be overly suspicious where it’s not warranted” mine said. WHAT?!? How the hell did Panda Express know what is going on right now!

“Your present plans are going to succeed” read Missy’s. OK Panda Express, you need to stop it! Get out of our heads.

Missy: It’s a sign.
Hans: Oh god, here we go with the signs…
Missy: Just put them in your wallet, we’ll want them!
Hans: Yeah, you’re actually right.

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Hmmm, looks like what I said earlier about myself works in the reverse as well. Again, this is why we work.

I digress. To Target! Land of I-can’t-spend-less-than-$100-in-a-visit. Damn you Target and your bountiful selection of beauty supplies, automotive supplies, electronics, home goods, groceries and clothes.

We go for the stick, we walk out with a couple bags full of stuff.

Back to Casa de Schmitz. Good thing Missy had like 8 cups of water at Panda.

Man, so let me tell you, I thought you have to do your business and then wait like 20 minutes. Nope, Missy rolls out of the bathroom like after 1 minute.

Missy: Uh, yeah, it was positive immediately.
Hans: VERY NICE! (insert Borat voice here).

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OK, time for Missy to do MORE blood work to check hormone level and then hit the fertility clinic and let good ‘ol Marion Colombo do the pregnancy confirmation ultrasound.

Quick side note: Marion Colombo is hands down the best infertility nurse at Kaiser Santa Clara. If you too struggle with infertility and have Kaiser, go see her, seriously, do it now.

Fast forward a few weeks. We go to Kaiser and check-in. They do the usual and check Missy vitals, walk us back to the room and tell Missy to change from the waist down. Marion comes in and greets us with a big smile, a congrats and asks if we’re ready to see this kid!

OK, so now the OTHER usual event. Marion pulls out the ultrasound…uh…stick shall we say. I can’t help but giggle every time, it’s seriously the most phallic think you’ve ever seen in your life, and, I have to laugh. I know, what am I, 13? Well actually, when it comes to my humor, pretty much, yeah. I giggle; Missy can’t help to laugh when I laugh every time.

Marion gets to work and fires that ultrasound machine up. Black screen…it seemed like forever until she found a huge dot on the screen.

Marion: There it is! There’s your baby.
Hans: Ahhhh yeeeeaaaa.

Words cannot describe how incredibly amazing it is to see a TINY human forming as you look at the screen. At just a couple weeks, it is taking the shape of a baby. Guys, but for real, it looked like a tiny baby and it is like only 7 weeks at this point. It’s wild, and one of the coolest and most satisfying feelings I have ever had in my life.

Marion: See that, that little flicker, that’s the heart forming.

WHAT?!? The heart? Already? She is blowing my mind. I clearly failed Biology and know nothing about how humans are made. Seriously, a stork drops them off right? There it was, in all it’s glory (yes “it” because we don’t know gender ‘til December) just chillin’ in Missy’s stomach.

Marion: Aaaaaand, there’s your OTHER baby.

Uh, excuse me? Our OTHER baby say you? Wait, that makes two babies…not one. We dropped all this cash for one baby, you know, singular.

Well hell, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

Missy: Uh, Marion, why don’t you look around a little more and make sure that is it.

Marion (breaks out laughing): Don’t worry guys, that’s it.

Whew…bullet dodged, son.

Hans: Oh, two babies huh?
Marions: Yup!

A few seconds of silence.

Hans: Well, shit…HIGH FIVE! (also insert Borat voice for the high five and yes, Missy and I actually high fived while the ultrasound was happening). Doc, you know, Missy and I love a good deal and 2 for 1 is awesome.
Marion: Well, that is certainly what you are getting today.
Hans: SOLD, we’ll take it!

Twins y’all.

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Don’t Stop Believin’

Posted on by hansjschmitz

OK, so first things first, I’m a dude. And, as said dude, I build shit, ride motorcycles, fix things myself when they break (and I have time), etc…it will be important to remember that as you read this blog. What does this also mean? I really know nothing about the process of birthing a child. When you are in middle school, you are lead to believe that if you even look at a woman funny, you will, without question, impregnate her. So, due to this knowledge that I was armed with in 6th grade, I made sure to be exceptionally careful throughout the years! Even after marriage, Mellissa and I took every precaution just short of abstinence, to make sure that we didn’t have kids until we hit that 5 years of marriage mark.

So, about 4 years in we start talking kids. We start trying, but there was not a lot of success. What?!? Getting someone pregnant is mad easy right? Just shy of our 5 year anniversary, we lost my dad at 58 to a massive heart attack that no one saw coming and the desire to start a family so that our children know their grandparents kicks into overdrive.

We went and saw an infertility specialist. Huh? There are doctors that specialize in that? Someone needs to submit this fact to the authors or Lies My Teacher Told Me (sex-ed edition)! Turns out that Missy has something called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short). What does this mean? A lot of things, but what it boils down to is that her body does not produce and egg and drop it every month. So, in order to fix this, we had to go through a number of things that are both time consuming, painful and costs a ton of money.

If I type this in paragraph form, it will take forever, and, for those that know me in real life, I’m a bullet list person:

  • It begins.
  • First the Michelob Ultra version of fertility pills, no luck.
  • Then, the Guinness version of fertility pill…success! Egg produces. We trigger. We gets busy. No luck again.
  • We take a break in order to try and enjoy the holidays.
  • We try the Guinness version again, no luck.
  • Next, injections. First round, shots every night for WEEKS while we try to get the dose right. Finally, success! 2 Eggs produce. We were supposed to do an inner uterine insemination, BUT, Kaiser failed to tell us that I need a blood test in order to do that. When did they tell us this? Two days before we were supposed to do it. It takes 2 weeks to get the blood results, ugh. We trigger (at Sara’s wedding in her bridal room). We gets busy (NOT in the bridal room, at home). But, no luck again.
  • Please believe, hell was raised, west coast department heads were called, CA state laws were criticized, people were very firmly spoken too…
  • I get blood work done.
  • We run out of money.
  • We get more money.
  • This whole process has taken over a year at this point. We have one more round of injections in which we ACTUALLY get to do the IUI. Mellissa and I talked about it at length. This was it. We do it. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, then we talk about how to save up the 15K it will cost us to do In Vitro. So, here goes:
  • Injections for weeks
  • Up it, down it, no luck getting an egg
  • We have a serious talk about not going forward with this round even though we are a few thousand deep in it.
  • We decide, one more week.
  • The dose is right!
  • The blood test was done!
  • Bring on the Turkey Baster.
  • Note of pride: the nurse needed 1milion sperm per CC in order to do the procedure. Your boy came through with 8 million! (refer to early statement of manhood).
  • Procedure done.
  • Now, wait 14 days. Serious? 14 days?
  • Ugh, so, we wait. We camp. We go boating. We live life. 14 days goes by and Mellissa hits the Kaiser blood lab after work. An hour later the blood work comes in. Now I should say, at this point, we are no stranger to the negative pregnancy test. We sat on the couch together and Mellissa opens the Kaiser app.
  • HGC Pregnancy Test: Positive.
  • Missy: What?…What?
  • 60 seconds or so of silence and shock. That may not sound like much, but sit with someone on a couch for 60 seconds in silence. It gets real awkward up in there.
  • Hans: Well, that just happened.

The journey begins.